I know this place is where I usually just post creative and crafty things, but seriously, it's my blog and I'll write whatever the f*ck I want on it.
I feel like an empty shell.
It feels like my entire being has been sucked out and there is nothing left.
I'm frustrated with my kids all the time.
I'm angry with my friends.
I hate being pregnant.
I find myself crying all the time.
At night I can't barely sleep. During the day, all I want to do is sleep.
I actually had a couple of good days this week, and I was super excited because I thought it was just pregnancy related, that maybe I had finally gotten out of the morning sickness and exhaustion funk (at 26 weeks), and then it started all over again today.
Maybe it's because of the pregnancy (I never have easy ones). Maybe it's because my best friend and her husband are thinking about moving again, even though they just moved last year and I want to scream at them that it's a big distraction from the tasks that are right in front of them, to wait a few years and use the support they have here, and then go. Maybe it's the sickness that has been passed around my family, and it might have finally hit me. Maybe it's the friend that broke my heart 4 years ago and left is coming back, and while I'm super excited to see her, I'm terrified at the same time. Maybe it's the basement not being done yet, and I really want it to be done before baby comes. Maybe it's because my birthday is coming up soon, and while I don't mind growing older at all (I'm actually excited to be 30 next year) I have gotten depressed the couple of weeks before my birthday for the last few years in a row.
I feel like every time I start to make plans, to have hopes and dreams, they are ripped from me and leave a great big hole. My heart must look like swiss cheese by now. I'm terrified of having a fourth baby, that I will lose my identity completely and not be able to do anything any more with friends. The time I will have with people will probably be very little and precious. I had a friend message me today on Facebook asking for a playdate. We've only had two so far, and she apologized because she was worried I thought they weren't very good and that's why I haven't made more plans with her. I actually really enjoyed my time with her, I just have been super busy and only consistent in a couple of friendships. I felt terrible. I had coffee with another friend recently, and I left angry because she was struggling and needed some help and I didn't feel like listening. I love my moms group, and last week I left angry because all my table talked about was healthy food. I feel selfish, but truthfully I feel so empty that I don't know how to give it any more.
I don't know what I'm expecting from putting all of this garbage out into the world. I really don't care any more. This is life right now, and it's hard.